The Awkward Silence - 2017-11-17 (page 1 of 3)

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12:43 AM

Hmm...

-1

A: How to minimize the chance of escalating an argument when requesting space to reflect?

When I am forced to address a confrontation while still emotionally upset (in this case, I didn't understand yet why she was angry with me), I feel like I don't actually get to express my emotions because I haven't had time to reflect on them. Well, this is your answer, all you have to do is...

2 hours later…

Extroverted Main Man

2:38 AM

0

Q: How can I politely tell an incompetent software project volunteer that they are too inexperienced to continue developing?

I am currently the project lead of an online volunteer run software project. I originally created this and work on it my in free time. There are also a few other people who took interest in this project and volunteered to help. I have never worked with other developers before. Currently, there is...

awkward-situations politeness online-interaction

3 hours later…

5:11 AM

No, wait, come back! I want to be friends at you!

New privileges!

6:16 AM

@Catija Mhmm

Extroverted Main Man

0

Q: My car scratched her car slightly. She demands compensation on a full bumper paint job

When I was reversing, I accidentally scratched a woman's car. The scratch is around 15cm long and 0.5cm wide. The scratch was not a really a scratch where my car's paint was scraped off onto hers. So I suggested to her to trying polishing or buffing it off. But she demands strongly to go a full...

Introverted Meta Man.

6:42 AM

0

Q: Closure as too broad: 'How to politely insist someone not to repeat something (s)he already told you?'

I'm not sure how to improve the specificity of How to politely insist someone not to repeat something (s)he already told you?.

Studies appear to show that you'll probably improve your mental and possibly even physical health by engaging people through other means than facebook. — Mark Rogers 6 hours ago

Iewlll... I'm mentally and physically unhealthy because I'm on Facebook?

@Tinkeringbell definitely, definitely, Facebook is bad, definitely bad.

@apaul :P

6:58 AM

@Tinkeringbell No appreciation for the terrible Rain Man impression?

@apaul Have heard of that, never watched it :/

So, no, because I didn't know it was an impression ;)

Is this IPS-y enough? interpersonal.stackexchange.com/a/6886/1599 I'm somehow thinking I'm focusing too much on the insurance company :/

Already out of delete votes for today

5 a day sux :(

@Magisch I think I have 9 :)

It's not really much..

Yeah the scaling is off

You get 1 extra per 1000 rep past the privilege

So to get all 30 you can get you need 27.000 rep on beta sites and 35.000 rep on graduated sites

If they reduce the reqs on beta sites this scaling up should scale with it imo

-17

Q: How to tell romantic partner I do not want to meet during Saturday night?

I am attending a party during the weekends, but I do not want her to be there because it will probably be embarrassing to me since coworkers are going to be there. I do not want my coworkers to meet her because she much lower class, and sometimes does things that would make me look bad. She's not...

7:07 AM

@Tinkeringbell Meh, it's more or less the same thing I tried to tell them. "You pay for insurance for a reason"

Most downvoted post.

@AJ deserves to be ;)

@apaul True... I'll leave it. Trusting that people will flag it NAA if they disagree :P

@Tinkeringbell Yours is fine

I also answered that question btw

So... My date went really well last night, and we're going to the Burn together in January. EXCITE

Sorry, had to tell someone

7:12 AM

@apaul neat

@Magisch I see what you did there...

@apaul That I sneakily spared the effort of making the apostrophe?

@apaul Congrats! :) Have fun there! :)

@Tinkeringbell I've been craving an adventure. Looks like it'll be that at least.

@Magisch Your answer is about the same, just shorter. Nice :)

@apaul Just make sure to pick the right people for your party! :P

7:16 AM

@Tinkeringbell Radical inclusion is a thing for that subculture, I think it's a nice idea.

@apaul let me google that for me :P

@Tinkeringbell burningman.org/culture/philosophical-center/10-principles

The principals make my inner anarchist happy, not sure what it looks like in practice though.

@Tinkeringbell I tried to make it less about insurance

@Magisch Thought you were implying her's, but not mine :P it's all good in any case.

@apaul Sound way too unorganized for my inner control freak... And I'm seeing about a thousand ways to bend those rules so I can abuse other people/other people can abuse me..:S

7:21 AM

@apaul no I'm not that crafty with my english

my english is actually not that good but I couch that in using mostly easy sentence structures

@Tinkeringbell Ya... My inner cynic had some fun with that too. You give a hippie a cookie and...

@apaul Hope not everyone thinks alike there then :P

@Magisch Ah... Sorry about that then

@Tinkeringbell Dunno, from what I've heard the radical self reliance is pretty paramount. There's a saying "Don't be a sparkle-pony" which seems to mean, don't show up expecting a rave/music festival...

@apaul Yeah I know... It's more about the camping isn't it?

And the community living?

(from what I remember of that docu)

friend of mine went to burning man

And said it was basicly a place with some music and a lot of space and time to do tremendous amounts of drugs and have random hookups

doesn't sound very appealing to me tbh

7:28 AM

Wait. Did you all grow up with the "If you give a mouse a cookie" children's book?

@Magisch That sounds like LowLands... :P

@apaul Uh no? We had the very hungry caterpillar and Jip and Janneke, Pinkeltje and Wipneus en Pim

Oh and Elmer the elephant

@Tinkeringbell More about art and self expression.

@apaul I like art.... but I'm always struggling with the self expression part... I like copying things better, I don't have much of a creative mind.

@Magisch Those are merely side benefits for those that are looking for them, not really what the thing is about from what I'm told.

@Tinkeringbell Practice makes perfect.

@apaul Meh... I seem to able to override my brain a lot, but not on this... It's weird.

7:33 AM

The give a mouse a cookie story is a warning tale that I use for dealing with hippies... You give a mouse a cookie and he's going to want a glass of milk, if you give him a glass of milk, he'll want a place to take a nap, and so on...

The only topic I seem to be able to summon any creativity in is to find creative ways to code around problems

@apaul Oh wait... that does sound familiar (although not the mouse part)

Kids these days...

Creative self expression is a beautiful thing. Making the world what you want it to be rather than just problem solving around the way it is... Art gives people a socially acceptable way to do that. Challenge notions, make things, hopefully make things better.

Sorry, hopeless idealist over here lol

@apaul thing is right

These days, you've got to be very careful of what you let be known about yourself

Notions of discontent with the status quo can deny you a lot of opportunities in the world. In this day and age, anything you say can and will be used against you

@Magisch Psh, I lived that way for a long time and found it wanting.

7:42 AM

Maybe you have the luxury to say that now with a stable career

@Magisch lolol nope.

People's lives have been thoroughly ruined for off topic quips taken the wrong way. In the age of the internet, it's very easy to become widely known as awful for something you said off hand

@Magisch There's some truth in that.

You have a very interesting accent BTW @Magisch ;P

</stalk>

@Magisch I guess I've come to a point in life where I find it better to be an outsider and be open about who I am. Ambition was fun while it lasted, but I'd rather be myself than be profitable or liked for being something else.

7:47 AM

@Mithrandir Where did you get that from? :o

Are you stalking me on discord...?

Just sayin, being closeted sucks. Get out there and have some adventures ;)

I'm not in a position to afford adventures

@Magisch who is?

@Magisch the Linux corporation ;p

Deepsmoke

grr

at least my full name isn't on there

7:52 AM

@Magisch Trust me, you don't have to be wealthy or successful to have adventures. You just have to give yourself permission to have them. They don't always go well, perhaps most of them don't, but do you really want to die without any scars?

@Mithrandir I actually can't listen to myself talking

I always think I sound like a bad clown with a way too heavy german accent

Jarko Dubbeldam

22 hours ago, by Mithrandir

also https://data.stackexchange.com/interpersonal/query/681814/posts-with-more-than-1‌0-comments

hmm this query isn't up to date

even when reloading

@JarkoDubbeldam it updates once a week

@JarkoDubbeldam SEDE data gets updated every week

Every Sunday

Jarko Dubbeldam

7:58 AM

ah

That's why the Community Team fears Sunday ;)

Heh

I have 3 weeks to catch up on for serial voting flagging when my chamber of commerce exam is over

I'm looking forward to finally be done with that

Jarko Dubbeldam

Hmm, imma go ahead and go through that list and flag by post, instead of by comment

Hmm. Y'know, I always resolve never to reveal what queries I use, because of robo flaggers, but then I always end up breaking that.

Jarko Dubbeldam

robo flaggers?

8:04 AM

@Mithrandir If you publicly post my query I will fight you in the street :P

@Magisch don't worry

I specifically didn't save the links for those reasons

Jarko Dubbeldam

@Mithrandir what do you mean by robo flaggers? Also, if you think I shouldn't go through that list and flag, please tell me

@JarkoDubbeldam no, it's fine

This is a less impactful query than some

Like, sometimes I'll use a query to find stuff, but I still have to cherry pick what exactly gets flagged

@JarkoDubbeldam I think Mithrandir means queries that some people designed for very specific purposes where every result can look like abuse to someone with no / very little idea

But some people just flag everything

And that can lead to witchhunts and stuff

Or comments that automatically delete but in this case shouldn't

Etc, etc

8:10 AM

for instance I have a query using some quirks of the SEDE data structure to find incidents of serial voting. People who haven't seen a lot of it before might start witch hunts against innocent users because of what a query reported

Essentially: just because it came up on a query designed to catch stuff that needs moderation doesn't mean that it's automatically evil. These things have false positives. Everything needs to be carefully checked before being flagged. But some people don't do that, and just flag everything or start a witchhunt.

More importantly if you didn't write the query and aren't deep into the subject matter you really have no way of telling the false positives

There are signs to look for, but most people don't really do that in that way. There are reasons why most of these things are usually left for moderators. normal users lack a lot of information you have to glean by inference and experience instead if you take this on as a normal user

I use a bunch of different queries. Some are more dangerous than others ;)

I do that too

I have a query doing some funky sql magic with favorite votes and accepted answer rates

It's very hard to interpret

Jarko Dubbeldam

gotcha

look at that, second tag I am top user in :D

Mithrandir24601

8:31 AM

Whereas I just flag when I read a question/answer and think "I should flag this" ;)

Jarko Dubbeldam

8:57 AM

-7

A: How to minimize the chance of escalating an argument when requesting space to reflect?

When I am forced to address a confrontation while still emotionally upset (in this case, I didn't understand yet why she was angry with me), I feel like I don't actually get to express my emotions because I haven't had time to reflect on them. Well, this is your answer, all you have to do is...

hmmm

> I'm gonna earn downvotes for being an evil sexist bastard again,

Yes, yes you are. At least you know it yourself when you do it

Jarko Dubbeldam

Odd that someone says that, and still decides to go ahead and post it as an answer

at least they can get themselves the peer pressure badge :D

If I have to qualify something I'm about to say with "This sure sounds horribly sexist and probably is but hear me out..." then my secondary reaction to that should be "Wait, I don't actually have to post sexist garbage, I should probably cut that"

Extroverted Main Man

9:14 AM

0

Q: I made a co-worker paranoid. What should i do now?

So.. i am working in the IT of a pretty big Company. This Company is a Institution where mentally handycapped or physically limited People getting integrated into the regular Workforce. My disability isnt the subject here, but we have many "Special" People here and many are annoying. But i digre...

conversations conflicts courtesy

Jarko Dubbeldam

@ExtrovertedMainMan that OP is definitely german

or german speaking

The caps?

Can you narrow the scope of your question towards what kind of interpersonal solution you seek? "What should I do now?" is very broad, something like "Is there some way I can walk back what I said or use a social tactic to get him off my back?" would be more on topic for here. Welcome to IPS by the way. — Magisch 1 min ago

I'm holding off on a too broad close vote for now

going to give op like 10 minutes

Jarko Dubbeldam

@Mithrandir yes

although horribly inconsistent

I have a bad feeling about this question

> My disability isnt the subject here, but we have many "Special" People here and many are annoying. But i digress.

Really rubs me the wrong way, I'm glad you got rid of it @JarkoDubbeldam

Jarko Dubbeldam

9:21 AM

OP basically has been feeding the paranoia, while being told to ignore it, and now reaps to consequences

> So I took matters in my own hands and tried to convince him, that his paranoia are false. I tried to ridicule his ideas about a world conspiracy and pretended I was some sort of insider in a resistance group. You know, the usual conspiracy stuff with contaminated tap-water, chemtrails, that kind of things.

what good would this do?

ever?

I fear that it is hard to answer any question related to this without pointing that out. Which makes it very likely for users to berate him for that

I don't see the IPS part of this question clearly yet

seems to be a X/Y problem where the Y is "stop fanning the flames of someone's mental illness and request a transfer"

Jarko Dubbeldam

yep

what?

-2

A: How to introduce myself and my family to a new neighborhood?

Find out who you have there the most .. And provoke him into a fight, it does not matter whether you will win it, but I see you that questions like yours will not bother you anymore ... For nothing.

welp, that's all comment flags gone for the day :/

9:36 AM

@apaul > Earn 200 daily reputation 50 times.

Gratz

first one on the site

Jarko Dubbeldam

:o Congratz!

that's pretty epic

@AJ your edit of Aluminum vs Aluminium is a matter of American or Brittish English

Ohh... I didn't know that.

9:52 AM

@JarkoDubbeldam I made a pretty substantial edit to the problem statement

I think it's on topic now, although it may still attract X/Y answers

Jarko Dubbeldam

@Magisch I saw it, nice

yeah, I'm still not thrilled, but we'll see

I cancelled my close vote on it. I asked for more details and OP provided and I think it's on topic for now

lets see what kind of answers it gets

@anongoodnurse I like your answer to my question, I don't think the abuse you get in the comments is justified at all

Jarko Dubbeldam

10:10 AM

Hmm I'm not sure

The analogy did raise an eyebrow when I read it

analogies don't have to be perfect to work, I think

Jarko Dubbeldam

mhmm

Missing only 80 more rep to cap today

Jarko Dubbeldam

28 flags waiting for review :/

29*

@Magisch 52 here.

Jarko Dubbeldam

10:16 AM

Hmm, yesterday's answer seems to have lost some momentum

only 8 votes so far today

@ExtrovertedMainMan Alternative solution is act like you were a government spy double agent trying to infiltrate into the resistance

Fun fact: @apaul has an average score of 15 across all of his posts

On average, your posts get each 15 upvotes apaul.

data.stackexchange.com/interpersonal/query/759895/…

@Tinkeringbell has an average post score of 27

Jarko Dubbeldam

user image

And then IPS was my highest rep site

My highest rep site is the workplace with 14.900 followed by stack overflow with 6,400 followed by meta.se with 4.500

But IPS shall soon eclipse those all

I have no interpersonal skills, so I don't have lots of rep here ;)

Jarko Dubbeldam

@Mithrandir me neither, surprisingly enough, people upvote me regardless

10:30 AM

@Mithrandir I use answering on this site as a way to try and acquire some

Whenever I go to write an answer I find that someone has already written a better one with the same points. Sooo...

Jarko Dubbeldam

That's why I tend to jump on questions as they appear

Whenever I feel able to answer them that is

I want to get to 5.000 and eventually 27.000 for more moderation tools

So I'm tryharding a little bit atm

I'm better at Harry Potter than people stuff ;P

Jarko Dubbeldam

not LotR?

tssk

10:35 AM

Of course. LotR as well. I just have more rep from HP :P

@Magisch wait, what? 27k?

@Mithrandir You get one additional delete vote every 1000 rep past the deletion privilege

Ahhh.

That deletion privilege is @2000 on this site, so to unlock the maximum 30 daily delete votes, you need 27.000 rep

I deal more with flags than delete votes ;)

Well you're a mod and I'm not

so

I'd like to be one someday somewhere, but I'm not going to sit on my hands until

10:38 AM

I cast a whole lot more flags than I handle.

There have been less than 1.2k flags on Lit all time, and I've handled more flags than anyone there by far.

Jarko Dubbeldam

@Magisch I don't think sitting on hands until you become mod is as effective either

I tried that once

Ends up pretty frustrating

@JarkoDubbeldam On stack the only way to actually become a mod is to show in abundance that you can do it

So sitting on your hands is #1 way not to make it

If you sit on your hands you can't use the keyboard. Rather hard to do moddy stuff like that.

Jarko Dubbeldam

@Mithrandir OTOH, if you sit on your hands and DO manage to do moddy stuff, that's pretty impresseive

@Magisch As is signified by the importance on mod badges during elections

And rep

Jarko Dubbeldam

10:44 AM

but rep doesn't mean much/anything in terms of being able to moderate

Yeah but people voting in elections put huge stock in it

Jarko Dubbeldam

It means you are a visible member of the site, but that's about it

Yup. It also shows that you have access to the tools that you get from rep. If you have rep but aren't reviewing and stuff...

@Mithrandir Then people will still vote for you

Jarko Dubbeldam

I don't wanna call anybody out, but there are a couple of high rep members on here with very few flags

which may not mean much, but it does show that there isn't necessarily a relation

10:47 AM

There was a guy who had <10 helpful flags and 0 reviews on SO but 100k rep and specifically stated he would use his diamond to reopen closed beginner questions and punish people who closed questions since it was "rude" and he got thousands of votes

Jarko Dubbeldam

D:

Well, that's SO for you.

flags more comments

HNQ visitors should be prohibited from commenting.

I'm already nearly out of comment flags today

I've got 9 pending, have like 20 left. It's Friday, so I'm kinda busy and can't spend all day flagging comments

Jarko Dubbeldam

@Mithrandir I have 29 pending >.>

11:01 AM

You can literally visit almost every single IPS question and find comments to flag.

Jarko Dubbeldam

11:25 AM

yep

its too bad, since there isn't really a feedback mechanism when your comment gets deleted

because of that, it's unlikely to change behaviour

If anyone still has flags left: answer in comments: interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/6882/…

11:47 AM

@Magisch yeah, I'm picky :)

@Tinkeringbell Ask not who the bell tolls for

It tolls for thee

<badshakespearereference/>

That's repcap for the 5th day in a row

getting there, ever so slowly

3 Sixes

A J, Bahut Door Bahut Door Bahut Dooooooooorr

3.7k 3 14 39

india united-kingdom apologies conversations etiquette friends acquaintances

Jarko Dubbeldam

?

@Magisch I just don't like answering questions that won't get me much rep :P

I repcapped 26 times.

Did you use all your delete votes today?

There are a bunch of closed questions with 1+ score answers that need some lovin deletin

And we're not enough delete-able users yet to make short work of it

12:00 PM

Not yet, I'll work through the list tonight ;-)

But remember, we are still beta. I think some questions should stay around for now just because they are such lovely examples of 'how not to'

@Magisch I did too.

Looks like I might just rep cap today too

aye

Hahaha

I've cast 51 upvotes and 123 downvotes

This amuses me

@Tinkeringbell 22 rep points more.

@Mithrandir Seriously?

12:04 PM

Try looking up Eric Lippert.

@Mithrandir Where?

stackoverflow.com/users/88656/eric-lippert?tab=topactivity

Only one upvote. Who was that lucky one? ;)

Extroverted Main Man

12:18 PM

0

Q: rude to ask how much new neighbour paid for apartment?

TLDR; Is it rude to ask how much a new neighbour paid for their apartment? My view is that it isn't, because it's information that's probably their favourite topic of conversation right now, and also in the public domain. Recently, some new people in my apartment building moved in. Unfortunate...

conversations etiquette strangers

-2

A: Apologizing when you've hurt a stranger's feelings badly

One thing I think that's missing here is that explaining that your foot was already injured when she stepped on it does NOT at all explain why you said what you did. It does explain why you "made such a big deal about it" when she stepped on you, but it has no bearing whatsoever on why you would...

R/A ^^

@AJ I understand the OP of the question, if you're angry you sometimes can't really control what you say.

12:44 PM

@Termatinator Hello its me, the OP

I think I was more angry and went for a cheap insult

You know like sometimes you curse when you hurt yourself

And you don't really mean that.

and it doesn't really help when the other asks why you are acting that way

one time I kicked someone and I got a contusion/bruise, oh and a hemorrhage. all on my big toe. and the next day I had to go to the gym and jump as high as i can (with a trampoline jumping over a stick)

(my injuries came from my kick, not from him/her hitting me)

1:10 PM

Hamlet is back!

The Snark Knight

I'm finding I'm down-voting far more than up-voting here. There is far too much grandstanding and judging in the answers than actual help or advice.

@TheSnarkKnight Because people like grandstanding

I voted more up than down

I wonder what would happen if I asked an IPS question and then disappeared for 26 hours.

The Snark Knight

1:25 PM

@Magisch I've been trying to avoid the term "virtue signaling", but that's been a massive amount of what's been showing up in your question. You asked how to handle something you did, and many responses have been just saying what a horrible person you are. NOT productive.

why 26? why not just 24?

The Snark Knight

@Mithrandir you'd probably be amazed at some of the answers.

@Termatinator 'cause I disappear for 26 hours once every week, not 24

okay now we must start an investigation of what @Mithrandir does in those 26 hours :P

The Snark Knight

@Termatinator I'm not sure, but I saw him carrying a book, a bell, and a candle.

1:28 PM

A bell?

?

@TheSnarkKnight Thats okay, I expected that

@Termatinator one word: שבת

But there is some useful advice in there too

I like anongoodnurse's answer in particular. I think I'll try to use a modified version of that

The Snark Knight

@Magisch If I cook a magnificent meal, then serve it to you on the lid of a dirty garbage can, it's garbage.

@TheSnarkKnight No I mean like

The Snark Knight

1:30 PM

and those answers CLEARLY violate the "be nice" policy

I can deal with 10 or so insults if there's a good answer in there

and there is

The Snark Knight

@Magisch you shouldn't have to deal with the insults. I don't suffer bullies.

Can you link (not onebox) the ones that you feel violate Be Nice?

Jarko Dubbeldam

Hmm, I wonder what the SE philosophy is; when reading a question or answer, are there two or three options: up/downvote or up/down/no vote?

I'm way past the point where someone insulting me to my face elicits anything but a "huh, nice that you felt you needed to say that, moving on..."

1:32 PM

to vote, or not to vote

@JarkoDubbeldam no vote is also perfectly acceptable

If you're trying to save votes for posts more in need of them or simply dont feel one way or the other

@JarkoDubbeldam three

Jarko Dubbeldam

OH right, there is a voting limit

Tbh I should have guessed what a shitshow that question would become and shouldn't have asked it

Jarko Dubbeldam

Thing is, I feel like I should vote more

The Snark Knight

1:33 PM

@Mithrandir I've been flagging them, and they've been getting removed.

is there an award for most downvoted question?

Nope

Unless you count Peer Pressure when you delete it

Jarko Dubbeldam

@Termatinator Well, some really bad ones get immortalized:

-147

Q: How to send 100,000 emails weekly?

How can one send an email to 100,000 users on a weekly basis in PHP? This includes mail to subscribers using the following providers: AOL G-Mail Hotmail Yahoo It is important that all e-mail actually be delivered, to the extent that it is possible. Obviously, just sending the mail conventiona...

php email email-integration mailing-list massmail

lol, but what is the most downvoted question on al of stack exchange?

@TheSnarkKnight Are you splitting your attention between TWP and IPS now?

The Snark Knight

1:46 PM

@Magisch IPS needs me more right now. ;)

Jarko Dubbeldam

@Termatinator that's the second most

The Snark Knight

@Magisch actually, I'm splitting my time between IPS, code review, world building, AND TWP.

Jarko Dubbeldam

stackoverflow.com/questions?page=994862&sort=votes

The Snark Knight

@JarkoDubbeldam most of them get deleted long before that.

Jarko Dubbeldam

data.stackexchange.com/stackoverflow/query/36660/…

1:47 PM

@TheSnarkKnight I left TWP on the slow cooker for now

The Snark Knight

@Magisch well, it's been slow lately, after a flurry of troll posts.

@TheSnarkKnight where do you find enough time ?

The Snark Knight

@Tensibai I have Asperger's syndrome, I'm way ahead of my work, and I have no life or friends.

Jarko Dubbeldam

that'd do it

I just suffer from low expectations

"This takes 3 weeks" no it doesn't this is a 2 day job

Jarko Dubbeldam

1:54 PM

@Magisch same, just came out of a meeting, where I offered to run a report real quick

'Oh yeah but only if it isn't too much effort'

Please, it is changing two words in a script and press run

Personal favorite: "Can you do this $easything with $horriblehandmaintainedexceltable and get back to me in 4 weeks? sorry to spring this on you but $uselessintern can't do it and we're so behind schedule with it"

10 min vba later and the task does itself

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