@JohnT +1000 to your comments. I was about to make the same with my GF (Vietnamese, who really enjoys the jokes, as long as they are in good faith. She makes more of them than I do myself anyway) — Patrice 33 secs ago

My first thought was that this wouldn't work. For reference I have an asian friend to whom I make jokes about him. I realised though that while I'd explain a couple of layers deep, after a few times I'd probably start to get the feeling he didn't find the joke funny. I'm not sure if this is the best approach as it would depend on the friend, because equally if he told me he didn't appreciate it I'd apologise and stop. I feel this approach works far better with strangers than friends, but this is worth a shot. — Tas 1 min ago

We do play coop games sometimes, but the issue is similar there. Not same magnitude but definitely present. Plus I would also like to be able to play non coop games. — Hakaishin 2 mins ago

@JohnT I agree it is a racism even though OP's friends might be unaware of it and he doesn't have to be intending to hurt OP's feelings. If so, definitely educating is a point. It is worth trying to invert the situation and asking the friend to consider how would he feel if he were being a subject of such "jokes". It is also beneficial for the friend to learn this early and from a friend of their own. The Netherlands is a very diverse country and if he tries the same once he gets into a job market he might get himself into serious trouble. — Ister 1 min ago

What are Euro Style games? But yes thinking about it I just realized that when we played a game where you score points, but they are hidden until the end she plays with less complaining. The last time she got sad we played a card game with specific life points. She kinda failed to understand that life in these games is a resource and being behind on it is not always bad. So she felt the low life/score was indicating her being behind way more than she actually was, because she played a deck that invests life at the beginning by design. — Hakaishin 59 secs ago

This is in general a good advice and we did this after I posted this question and she understands that her behaviour is an issue. The problem is more that she is in the moment unable to stay cheerful, of course talking about it helps, but I was looking for other methods that could help her stay happy during play. — Hakaishin 48 secs ago

Another point is that she feels like I always win, which is not true, but I do win more often, because I try to win. The problem is I see her making mistakes I will tell her from time to time, but then she gets mad that I told her what to do. But at the same time she is mad when losing. So basically yesterday we reached a compromise of me not giving any advice but her not complaining about losing. — Hakaishin 55 secs ago

Yes I figured that on out too :) It works nicely, but only until a certain point. Otherwise if she is a bit behind she will only respond to it sarcastically. — Hakaishin 2 mins ago

@JohnT I believe that in these cases you need to define things clearly. I would say that OP's friend is not racist, but his behavior and his jokes are. In the end, people will mostly define you by your actions and not by what you think internally. People that know him only after a racist joke or 2 will consider him a racist, people that know him a bit better will call him an annoying jerk, and OP calls him a friend who is racially insensitive. Also, there is definitely racism among minorities/Indians too, so the situation doesn't change if OP's friend was a minority too. — LVDV 1 min ago

@StianYttervik There are different "degrees" of abuse and there are far worse cases than what's described in this question, but let's not go for a real Scotsman fallacy here. Manipulating your partner is mental abuse and the vast majority of answers here identified it as such - even from a former abuser's side who did the very same, in Good Luck's answer. That OP accepted the one answer that told her how she can change her behaviour to appease him better fits, too. — R. Schmitz 1 min ago

Good advice, that was also her suggestion. We will definitely try that more often. Just sometimes you want to come home in the evening drink a cold beverage and have a little calm card game, without many people or advanced preparation :) — Hakaishin 48 secs ago

@AndyT but rather I don't want to be thought of as racist for using the person's skin colour as an identifying characteristic To extend my first comment, the issue here is in thinking that someone who mentions a person's race (in every possible context) proves that they must be a racist. The issue is not in having mentioned a person's race. — Flater 57 secs ago

My experience with this approach is that it works well with strangers, but not with friends. I tried it , but my friends were really confused and interpreted my behaviour differently. They assumed I have a bad time, because I am not laughing so much anymore (I used to laugh with them about their jokes, even though I never thought they are funny). In the end, only clear communication solved this problem. — Iris 1 min ago

@StianYttervik We have the same idiom in German :D. I think the problem is maybe with the definition here. Hey, my GF also "manipulates" me into giving her massages etc. The difference is that its done in a playful manner - we are both openly aware of the "manipulation" and I am in that situation consciously and willingly accepting to be "manipulated". When she's "being a little sh*t", it makes me smile. The OP situation doesn't make her smile, it makes her feel bad. I would agree that "manipulation" can describe both situations, but there's also a big difference between the two. — R. Schmitz 2 mins ago

It'll depend on the person, but I reckon for many bad losers the main problem is (more or less subconscious) self-doubt. In that case, the less luck involved the worse – if you lose in chess, you can't possibly blame it on the dice or anything. — leftaroundabout 52 secs ago

@martijn Being a dutchy myself, I'd say these jokes are bordering on racist/ethnicist. I guess it all depends on the rate and delivery. Now, the OP asserts that they don't think they are offensive, which makes it okay, but I know plenty of people of various ethnic flavors that would get quite offended/hurt and either say so or just plain avoid the teller of such jokes in the future. — GretchenV 1 min ago

Is this a hypothetical question? It kind of sounds like an idea for a story. While it is not be the nicest thing ever, it might be a valid question to ask how to break it to e.g. the mother (whoever the father cares enough to inform them) that he is leaving. — Raditz_35 1 min ago

I favor the direct approach too, but no need to be harsh about. Just say it is not funny in a friendly way. — Tyler Durden 31 secs ago

That last paragraph is really important, I think. The underlying issue is his personal problem, which has become bad enough to cause interpersonal problems. OP can moderate his jealousy and need for attention/control to some extent, but the boyfriend needs some time for self-reflection or therapy. — DoubleD 2 mins ago

@Raditz_35 This website is to promote healthy interpersonal skills. Regardless of why the OP feels that consulting father is required, it is not helpful to maintain a healthy interpersonal relationship. We should not give bad advice simply because the OP cannot follow good advice, unless the answer contains multiple solutions that are labelled with priority. — Clay07g 1 min ago

+1. If this is truly social phobia, then medication is probably not the right therapy. Exposure therapy works much better, where one carefully pushes the boundaries of one's comfort zone. It might be good to find a better therapist. (How to help the GF do this would be a question all by itself.) — Stephan Kolassa 1 min ago

@Ontamu One reason is that OP is living with their parents. Depending on their arrangement and agreements, giving financial support like that to a child at this age can come with some strings. What is normal for an adult who is living independently may not be normal for someone who is an adult not living independently. — Bryan Krause 1 min ago

@ggiaquin16 Lease agreements often come with mileage limitations; you say you drive a ton for work - I presume this will be less than the limits? I ask in part because these are the sorts of things you will want to show you have thought out if you want to show you are acting responsibly (as this answer suggests). — Bryan Krause 11 secs ago

@paparazzo I would say that highly depends on their specific arrangement. Perhaps the father has agreed only to allow his son to live there under the stipulation that he gets a say in all the son's financial decisions. Well, that's a valid arrangement, but I would hardly call it reasonable. — Clay07g 18 secs ago

Clay thank you for taking the time to answer at face value and not try to get a life history. Your answer is on point to my concerns and provides valid ways of handling them in a generic way that can also help others who stop by. I am honestly still really scared about telling him Saturday but I am tired of being financially controlled. Yes i am staying home due to financial issues i had in the past, but most of that is paid off now and I am looking to buy a condo here in the near future. I pay for all of my expenses but groceries/rent. — ggiaquin16 1 min ago

I'm sorry but this answer does not add much besides speculation, especialy given the many already good answers. I don't see what follows from your answer? Do you suggest to just quit playing games together or something else? Because I know she likes to play games. — Hakaishin 2 mins ago

This is very good advice. I would like to add that someone once told me "being right rarely changes anything" and I'm glad they did. It's like they gave me a % of objective freedom that can only exist inside yourself. Maybe some days that phrase means you let her win without making it obvious. There's a lot going on here, throwing a game now and then might help unravel what the real issue is. — fearofmusic 9 secs ago

Agree wholeheartedly. The other answers here are either preachy or whiny. Fire back with stronger jokes, and mock his. — Graham 1 min ago