Hi, I'm not sure whether I should write here or somewhere else but is this the chat I asked about?

@VentsislavMarinov - yes, it is. :-)

@VentsislavMarinov It's pretty quiet here, but someone will answer you if you pose a question. I check this chat every day, and I'm sure others do, too.

So I can freely chat here, wtihout interfere anybody's privacy or so?

@VentsislavMarinov It's not a private chat; but many people don't read chat transcripts.

@anongoodnurse I understand. So back to my question, I just saw your last comment and if I have to be honest I've been thinking about this plenty of times, cutting of the bridge with my parents totally but there is one disadvantage I will feel enormous pain for doing it and for really tough situations they will most likely be the ones who would help me the most.

But still I see other families how they are like friends talk about everything without limiting each other or doing things they are all interested in. As if they were all the same age. This somehow gives me hope I would also like my family to be like this. I don't know what should I do

People do cut themselves off from their families sometimes. Sometimes it's the only way to achieve peace.

But it's a pretty drastic step to take, when, as you've noted, you might need them in your future.

Also, you might have a change of heart in the future as well.

Now, although I know I am doing this in order to live my life for the better I still feel that I'm the reason why we're getting more and more away from each other

Somehow some feeling of loneliness or idk exactly what is it but it is there and doesn't leave me alone. But the moment I just get back and pretend things are normal or if I beg them to pardon me they will become like before

So, my honest advice is to start setting healthy boundaries to stop their demeaning you - because that is what they are doing, from what you say (especially your father) - and see what happens when you do this. Everyone has a right to live without being dumped on all the time.

Yep. I understand.

It's normal to want to be loved and cherished.

When we don't have that in our lives, there's a big hole there.

But we can't force people to cherish us.

There's only so much you can do.

As if I was the one that all of this is happening because of. Not that I'm not involved, of course I am but I don't want either to be with them but in some hospital for mentally ill people

@VentsislavMarinov It's ok to put some distance between you and your parents. It's also ok to wait and see.

It's also normal to want a bit of distance at this age.

I always questioned myself the following: Is it like this really? If I leave things the same I will be loved from them and probably they will be more glad about the things I do but I will eventually go crazy or smth. Or if I don't listen to them and do the thing I'm currently doing(staying away) I will become successfull for sure but this gap you said is somehow still there

(whew) I thought I'm abnormal if this is the word or smth similar (not normal)

It's a dilemma (no, you're perfectly normal, don't worry).

Even though I don't know you somehow I feel close now and much released. Thanks for doing this. Even if I don't come up with a conslusion now it really helps just to talk about it

We all deserve to be born to loving, mature parents. Unfortunately, many of us aren't blessed that way.

I'm happy to help.

Anyway, they can be very loving people but about mature ......... it;s very very bad the thing there

A therapist can do this with you, get to know the whole story, and help you work through your feelings of loss and guilt.

They aren't mature at all. Not that I am very much but they really haven't outgrown their teenage years

Yep, I hear you.

Some people get "stuck".

Yeah this was the word I was searching for

I really would like to spend more time with them but I've noticed that when I do I unintentionally without noticing I become a little bit manipulative like them and kind of sometimes don't even notice it

But I'm ok, I learned to address that issue for myself.

That sounds like a good reason to step back, for some perspective.

By the way, if you want to delete a comment, you can do so for a couple of minutes.

Sometimes I wonder why my gf stops responding as usually and then in a few days sometimes hours or minutes I realize that I've been acting exactly like my parents, manipulatively

To do so, hover over the left side of the chat message, click the down arrow, and click delete.

@VentsislavMarinov Well, if you grow up with people who are manipulative, it's pretty likely you'll learn that behavior, right?

That happens with parenting, too.

The "default position" in parenting is to do what you learned from your parents.

So it's good to examine how to respond differently yourself.

Yeah obviously it is. But I don't want to fully turn back on my parents because like I said they are most likely gooing to be the ones that would help me in my toughest moments and also don't want to become like them

Then start thinking about how to set boundaries with them.

Read about boundaries so you know how to do it.

Then start small. Talk to them and tell them how it hurts you when they dish on you, and why you need to place a boundary to protect yourself.

It's not easy; it's easier to continue in bad patterns. But it's less healthy for everyone.

The thing here is how to make them listen about the boundaries I put

Consequences.

Boundaries have to have consequences.

I understand that they step back when you get angry, But that's only a temporary solution.

Yeah, this sounds appealing as well. I am even currently showing what are some of the consequences but somehow with fear that I might lose them if I get myself too far away

Not only that is temporary but it is very unhealthy for me as well

You are young yet, and change is scary. If you can do this with a therapist, it would be a big help.

@VentsislavMarinov Yes, you're exactly right.

Is there a national health insurance where you live? Can you get free therapy?

Nah, everything is paid quite well and not that I don't have money it's just the money I have I need them for our startup

we just have with the game developement

me my gf and a fr started a game developement small team

Creating games for android

Your parents might be willing to pay for a therapist if you ask. Maybe they have insurance that will cover it.

They will definatelly give me money. This is the thing they do all the time to comfort themselves. Give me moeny. And this is the exact thing I want them to learn that not money is what I really need from them

It sounds to me like you can use the reassurance a therapist can provide you with.

Because I've noticed the moment they give me money they leave everything else behind. Doesn't matter how they act what they talk if they have given me money everything is fine

Yeah, money isn't a substitute for good parenting.

Also, remember that to many people, money is power. If they give you money, they might expect you to listen to their advice.

Yeah this is the thing that is happening here

But, as I said, you're young, and if they are willing to pay for a therapist, go for it.

That's a good thing for you, and ultimately for them, too.

So it's a reasonably loving thing for your parents to do for you.

Yeah sounds reasonable for me and you and all the other mature people but for them it's going to be like: "look he at least realized that he might need some help" and again will feel that I'm the one that this is happening because of

And most likely again won't do anything to change themselves

They might not change. Sometimes people do, though.

You need to take care of yourself first.

Yeah this is ture as well

It doesn't matter what they think of your getting help. If it's good for you, do it, because it's good for you.

When you said this another thing came to my mind, I never care about what people talk or think about me(not relatives) but I care way too much what my parents think and talk about me

Of course you do. They are your mother and your father. If you didn't care what they thought of you, it would not be normal.

They are the people who have known you the best. You want them to think well of you.

So when they don't approve, it stings.

I will need to think some more about the problem, just enough so that I don't overthink and become destructive instead of constructive like I am currently

That sounds good.

@VentsislavMarinov I'm going to run now. Think about it. You can also re-read this chat transcript.

Okay, thanks again!

:-)

Take care of yourself. :-)

it was good chatting with you.

I will! Nice chatting with you too :)