I believe corporal punishment to be a useful tool in the tool-shed when it comes lovingly training my beautiful 3 year old boy.
For the purposes of this question, I'll just say that my style of corporal punishment is to stop what my child is doing, calmly tell them why I'm going to spank them...
@LCIII - I would be happy to discuss this with you here. If it's not too contentious, we can start with the example of your wife hitting you for bad behavior, telling you how she expects you to behave in the future, then giving you a hug and a kiss. What is your honest gut reaction to such a scenario?
@LCIII - and please don't think everyone is against you. Lots of questions here strike a chord, sometimes quite surprisingly.
@anongoodnurse Regarding this, I think the situation is fundamentally different. Neither my wife nor I believe we are in positions to discipline one another (this would be in contrast to, say, Saudi Arabia). And I think the situation is different with us and our kids. I think by virtue of having children I have a responsibility to train them up and discipline them and that I have authority over them.
For starters, let me frame all this by saying that I think my son is crazy about me, and I'm crazy about him. I come home and he runs to me and yells DADDY and that makes me so happy. I would never intentionally do something that I thought was psychologically messing him up. In fact, I think the very consistent discipline we give him has been tantamount to why he is such a wonderful little and why him and I have such a great relationship.
I always get scared talking about physical punishment to people I don't know because I always think that they think I'm beating my kids and they live in constant fear of me. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Now to answer your question
@anongoodnurse I think my son feels differently because, in his little eyes, I'm the invincible, all-powerful, law-giving, super-dad. That's how kids see their parents. That's how our kids see mommy and I. I tell them that they're getting a consequence (we don't use the word "spanking") and I tell them why. Then I deal it out. 90% of the time, my son initiates the hug. He knows I don't enjoy causing him pain but he has also learned that I "have" to. So in his eyes, justice is being served.
I never force a hug on him.
This is a fundamentally different relationship than i have with my wife. This is also why I don't expect to be spanking my son past age 8 or 9 because by then he's old enough to have his actions explained.
@anongoodnurse The more I think about, the more I'm convinced I can't really answer your question without inviting you into my world and seeing exactlyhow I give out punishment. All the little nuances is what makes what I'm describing to you either psychological abuse or not.
A "consequence" can be legitimate (a fine for illegal parking) or not legitimate (sriracha sauce in the mouth for using a curse word). "Consequence" is the label used by the person in the position of power.
I never give a consequence when I'm mad. My wife and I are good about holding each accountable to this. I never spank harder for "big" offenses. It's consistent, and my son knows that once the consequence is over then the issue is over.
When I give a consequence, I strive to make it clear that the issue is over and done and Daddy isn't mad at all. i think that's my main motiviation behind making sure I give them a hug/kiss afterwards.
do you think a child can feel hurt and angry at you? Plain and simple.
(I don't agree that I can't have any knowledge about something I am not a direct witness to.)
There are all kinds of fallacies. One is "Argument from Age" meaning someone with more experience has a more valuable point of view simply because they are "older and wiser" than you are. If this feels like where I'm leading you, call out that fallacy; It's a valid fallacy to keep in mind.
OK. That is, I believe, one of the most important parts of trust. The trust of your child is paramount, as is the trust between your wife and yourself. It didn't sound, from your question, that you were taking your child's feelings into consideration when giving consequences.
That was the issue I was reacting to.
The breach of trust that occurs when one's feelings are not recognized.